I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
