At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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