omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
