i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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