i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
