I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
