Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
