My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
