At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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