My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
