She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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