you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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