She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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