how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
