I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
