I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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