Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize