U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
