Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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