I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
