Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
