I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
