she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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