So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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