there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He uses pillows to masturbate.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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