i think my mom watched the whole time
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
