I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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