my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
