my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You ruined the universe
Randomize
