dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
only if we run a train.
done.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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