im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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