i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
