he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
