drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
