Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
