Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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