You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
