sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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