Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
