I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
