i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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