I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
