dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
