Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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