i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
