Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
