Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
