note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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