FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
