Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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