You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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